


Every Hour Has Come To This

by MellytheHun



Series: Kylux Angst November [5]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universes, Anal Sex, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Loves, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I still don't accept Hux's canon name, I'm using my fanon name for him in all of these, M/M, Oral Sex, Pining, Romance, Smut, Teenagers, Tragic Romance, tumblr event
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 13:14:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8491114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellytheHun/pseuds/MellytheHun
Summary: Day Six of Angst November: I Once Loved You





	

**Author's Note:**

> _“I want a trouble-maker for a lover,_
> 
> _Blood spiller, blood drinker, a heart of flame,_
> 
> _Who quarrels with the sky and fights with fate,_
> 
> _Who burns like fire on the rushing sea.”_
> 
> #862, by Rumi

There’s no knowing the first time, time being so relative and its experience so subjective. Considering the multiverse in some ordinal fashion could only lead to frustration and short-sightedness. There is only chaos to be had – even their meetings are chaotic, random at best and infinitely, they never meet at all. 

In one of the merciful realities where Ren and Hux do meet, they are both in the First Order and they train alongside one another at the Academy. Ren, at first, thinks Hux will be easily manipulated and so befriends him in an effort to gain the Commandant’s favor. 

Ren winds up accomplishing quite the opposite. He trains with Hux, sparring, studying, even rooming together for some years and somehow, very inadvertently, and later, much to the Commandant’s ire, Ren manages to seduce Hux. 

He is bewildered as to how. 

When Hux confesses his feelings, he does it as he does all things; formally, with poise and, most likely, at least three different presentations on why he is right and his opponent is wrong. And of course, Hux treats it like an argument – he hardly knows how to do anything else. Hux calls it ‘debate,’ but Ren thinks Hux is full of it and just likes to hear the sound of his own voice.

Fair enough, Ren is the same way.

“Ren. It’s imperative that I speak to you.”

Ren has his nose buried in their shared text (Ren didn’t think anything of it when Hux refused to split the price and insisted on paying for both their class necessities) and doesn’t look up when he replies, “just let me finish chapter nine – this outline is taking a fucking eon.” 

“ _Now_ , Ren. ‘Imperative,’ usually implies a sense of urgency.”

Ren sighs dramatically, flipping to the next page, “everything you do and say is with ‘a sense of urgency,’ – how am I to know the difference?”

“Kylo, please – just – look at me. I only need you for a moment.”

It’s only the second time Hux has ever called for Ren by his first name. The first time was during a sparring challenge – Ren had bested Hux for the third time that evening and Hux had laughed, sweating and with sparkling eyes, exclaimed, “Kylo! Where have you been hiding this inner-duelist? You’re spoiling me tonight!”

Ren had blushed to his ears, but if Hux had noticed, he never said anything.

Hoping that Hux is happy about something as he was that night, Ren looks up, but he finds Hux looking strangely… wrong-footed. Shy? Uncharacteristically humble, maybe. It was hard to tell. 

Hux’s posture was tall and proud despite his expression until Ren met his eyes; now his stare traipses the floor and his crossed arms have fallen back behind him, so that he can hold his wrists on the small of his back the way he does when he’s giving a speech or delivering a report to a superior. Sometimes he does it and doesn’t even notice.

“Well,” Ren starts evenly, “you’ve got my attention. What is it?”

“I…”

Ren’s brow furrows as he worries for Hux – Hux is always eloquent, always has these confrontations sorted out to the finest details, to the first quirk of his brow to the last hand gesture. There’s even a sort of cadence to how he speaks – everything is orderly and graceful when it comes to Hux. He doesn’t stammer, doesn’t stutter and certainly doesn’t hesitate.

“You, what?”

Hux brings a fist up slowly to his mouth before clearing his throat, then he keeps his eyes downcast and returns his hand to the small of his back.

“I… it has come to my attention that Officer Sumi Deova has expressed their… _interest_ in you.”

“Yes,” Ren answers honestly, cocking a confused brow, “I don’t see how that’s your business. How did you even find out about that?”

“I may have overheard their conversation with another classmate and… offered my opinions.”

Ren’s expression darkens, “Hux. What did you do?”

Hux’s ice-blue eyes roll up, still not looking at Ren when he answers, “there were… words. I may have found myself in something akin to a duel for your honor next week, but if I’m to participate in that, which I do plan to, it would be rude of me to allow any misunderstanding to exist between us.”

“You’re doing that dancing thing again,” Ren complains, his book officially face-down on the bed and out of mind, “Where you dance around what you really want to say and annoy the Hells out of me? Just get it out. What in the Hells would compel you to _fight_ Officer Deova? I thought you were above that type of schoolyard –“

“It is important that I make myself clear now, Ren, that I have every intention of courting you.”

Ren’s mouth just hangs open on his unfinished complaint and he doesn’t dare move an inch. He’s rather sure he just misheard Hux or he’s been hallucinating this entire time. There’s a strong possibility he’s fallen asleep on his text.

“What?”

“I intend to court you, Ren,” Hux clarified, still unable to look at him, “I… I thought we would have time. I didn’t imagine – I don’t know, I didn’t think there would be competing suitors so soon, I didn’t prepare and when I heard that you hadn’t explicitly turned Officer Deova away, I let them have a piece of my mind on the matter. My anger at their perceived importance to you temporarily blinded me.”

Hux’s ears turn red and Ren can hear his heart starting to pound in his own.

“I’m rather embarrassed to admit that what came out of me was not so much a strong suggestion as first intended, but a thinly veiled threat that was inelegantly… _sputtered_ without much dignity to it. I can’t imagine the words traveling the halls already and I thought you ought to hear it from me first. If you choose Officer Deova, or anyone else for that matter, I will leave you in peace to that choice. But, with your permission…”

Hux’s eyes finally find Ren’s and something jumps in Ren’s ribcage. His cheeks are pinkish, his brow as defiant and proud as ever, but his eyes, those lapis eyes are sincere and imploring. 

Ren has never felt so important before. As if he were on an Emperor’s throne, deciding whether or not to behead someone rather than sitting on a dormitory bed and deciding whether or not to give his go-ahead for _Officer Hux_ to _woo_ him.

Everything is growing gradually more surreal.

“…I would like the opportunity to prove my worth. If it is acceptable to you, I would like to have my candidacy considered.”

“And your… end goal would be –“

“Marriage.”

Ren starts choking on air and Hux looks down at the floor again, trying to hide the crimson his whole face has taken on.

“As I said, I thought I would have more time in this endeavor. I didn’t really want to announce my intentions so soon, but… my hand is being forced.”

“Because of some hallway gossip?” Ren asks incredulously when he can breathe again.

Hux is clearly offended by the belittlement of his concerns.

“Because you did not tell Officer Deova to go _fuck themselves_ and instead, they foster some hope that their ‘affections will reach you.’ I will not stand idly by while Officer Deova is even _palatable_ to you as a suitable partner and I certainly will not surrender your attention so willingly.”

Strange, how words so aggressive, even bordering on obsessive, can warm Ren’s heart like a serving of that floral, sweet and sleep-inducing tea Hux makes during Finals weeks. Ren thinks that perhaps he ought to be bothered more by Hux’s behavior, but he finds himself… rather flattered, really.

“Come here.”

Hux is typically too ‘dignified,’ to let surprise show so blatantly on his face, but even as he does, he clears it away quickly. He walks toward Ren’s bed and comes to stand close enough that his knees touch the bed’s edge.

“So, Officer Hux,” Ren starts, trying not to smirk, “what exactly is phase one to your courting plan?”

“I’m still in phase zero,” Hux replies quietly, his eyes serious now, “I don’t have you’re express permission to move forward. Do you accept me, Ren?”

Ren’s near-smirk dies away as he looks up at Hux’s down-turned face. Hux is unafraid to meet his eyes now – it seems the scariest part of ‘phase zero,’ is over. Now, Hux is just waiting for a blatant ‘yes,’ or ‘no,’ and he’s probably got several plans of action to follow either outcome. 

“I understand if this is all… too much,” Hux admits, “I wouldn’t blame you for sending me away. This is hardly how I imagined this day would go, but just so you know, you’re… you’re _it_ for me.”

Ren watches how Hux’s throat bobs nervously and he elaborates, “end-all-be-all, only one – forever. I have known this for some time now. If I have your permission, I would court you until your affections for me were secured and long beyond that. I would maintain your happiness and satisfaction until our dying days if you so let me.”

“… we’ve never even kissed…” Ren mutters in wonderment, his face hot.

Hux’s eyes soften and a smile reaches them; he sits on the bed’s edge and says, “oh, Ren… if you never wanted to kiss me, that’d be fine. I don’t need to kiss you to know how I feel about you.”

Ren stares in amazement at Hux as Hux’s rare smile splays over his lips, “I’m a patient man, Ren. If it takes the rest of our natural lives to prove my feelings for you are genuine and unending, I will take my place beside you this very moment. Kissing you hardly makes a difference. I will love you, no matter how much of you I am ever given.”

If there is protocol for a social situation such as this, Ren doesn’t know about it – no matter what it might be, he decides the best course of action right now is to push Hux over. When Hux lands on the floor with a thump, it’s followed quickly by an affronted, indignant noise that Hux often makes when Ren offends his upper-class sensibilities with crass conversation.

The huffed “oof,” that punches out of Hux’s chest when Ren lands on him is even more satisfying. 

Ren stretches out on top of Hux, holding himself up over Hux with spread legs over Hux’s narrow waist. He lowers his face down enough that some of the hair that hangs free from his band tickles Hux’s forehead – he touches their noses together, hovers his lips just over Hux’s and replies in a rough whisper, “I do accept you, Officer Hux.”

Hux might go to say something, but Ren cuts him off by rolling his hips down onto Hux’s – the noise Hux makes is easily the most undignified and hypnotizing Ren has ever heard. He keeps his lips just from touching Hux’s until Hux can’t stand it anymore – Hux’s fingers tangle in his hair, snapping the band off in doing so and then Ren is being tugged down into a heated, wet and hungry kiss.

The two of them have always been impassioned young men and this, it would seem, is no different. The kissing gradually gets out of hand and transforms into something else – something that is on a course of evolution that neither of them are really inclined to stop. 

They’re both topless and bed-headed with kiss-swollen lips and hickeys blossoming on their necks when Ren goes to unbuckle Hux’s pants. Hux tries to stop him, says to Ren that he ‘deserves to be courted properly.’

Ren is so hard and wants Hux so badly, he doesn’t censor himself and what comes out is, “ _fuck_ propriety.” 

Generally, at a statement like that, Hux would admonish him like a disappointed mother and then give him a long lecture on why propriety should _not_ be fucked. Instead, Hux throws his head back and laughs.

“If I’m propriety, you have my full permission to carry on, then.”

“Aurelien!” Ren laughs, heart pounding just for getting to call Hux by his first name for the very first time, “I didn’t know you _joke_! You’ve been holding out on me!”

Hux’s face is blushing beautifully and his smile is gentle and welcoming when he responds bravely, “not anymore.”

Somewhere else, a different time, a different place, a different set of existences, Hux and Ren meet in simpler places.

They are at times co-workers, sailors, astronauts, chemists, writers, philosophers, royalty, civil servants or simple strangers that happen upon each other. Their ages don’t always match or even come close to one another – their relationship is infinitely unlikely. 

“You _what_?”

“Nothing,” Ben answers quickly.

Ari looks at him with a troubled expression, though and Ben can tell by the change in the air that Ari isn’t about to let this go. 

“Nothing has to change,” Ben intercepts and, _God_ – what was he _thinking_?

He’s in the middle of fucking Ari during a rare occasion that both his parents are actually out, he’s got Ari’s legs around his waist, Ari’s heels digging into his ass and it just _slips out_. He couldn’t help it when it came over him – his face was buried in Ari’s neck, his eyes fluttering shut because Ari is so fucking tight and warm and their hands were twined by either side of Ari’s head and he’d just – just, “ _God, I love you…”_

Ben wouldn’t be shocked if Ari kicked until Ben was entirely removed from his person, stormed out and never returned. 

Being Ari’s friend is near to impossible. Ari, as a general rule, hates all of humanity. He is unimpressed by most everything, it’s a very real challenge to get even a smile from the guy and Ben honestly doesn’t understand how he managed to talk Ari into his bed.

It started a while back – they’ve known each other since middle school, tolerated each other through most of it and then high school was a gradual incline towards tentative friendship. Not that one could use the word ‘friend,’ in regard to Aurelien Hux. Ari is not shy about using physical force to get points across and he definitely does not want to be anyone’s _friend_.

So, even as he unwittingly _became_ Ben’s friend, Ben didn’t call him that. Still doesn’t. A friend to Ben is certainly what Ari is, but Ben isn’t about to say that out loud. 

But when Ben was being mocked by a flock of pastel-sweater-wearing preppy kids during freshmen year, it was Ari that stood next to him, faced down those kids and told them off with as much disdain as he did eloquence. And when Ben was held after class sophomore year, it was Ari that waited outside and offered his help as a tutor. And when Ben joined the weight-lifting team in junior year, it was Ari that came to every competition.

It was Ben that Ari texted when he was bored and it was Ari that came rapping at Ben’s bedroom window when he couldn’t stand being home with his father. It was Ari that let Ben cheat off his tests in chemistry and it was Ari that downloaded Snapchat for the sole purpose of snapping pictures to Ben of things he hates, usually with a caption “i am disgusted,” or “look at this cat,” or “why are people like this,” or “can you believe this shit?”

Ari certainly didn’t intend to be Ben’s friend, because he never intends to be _anyone’s_ friend, but that’s what he is.

Halfway through senior year, the two of them were drunk at one of Ari’s not-friends’ parties and neither can remember who moved first – the consensus is that they don’t know who made the first move, but it doesn’t really matter because the result was that both of them wound up kissing sloppily in a linen closet and coming in their jeans. The first move hardly matters.

Ben made the second move, at least – he remembers that vividly. He was at Ari’s house and Ari was sitting on his bed, looking thin but still bizarrely appetizing in just sweatpants and a grey tank top. Ari had stared at him as he approached the bed nervously, but deciding he was all in or all out, Ben put his knee between Ari’s legs and then leaned in to kiss him. 

Ari hadn’t pushed him away. He’d moaned some small approval, put his hands on Ben’s sides and Ben just followed Ari’s lead – the lead that was a straight decline onto Ari’s bed. That second time, the kissing was much more expert, they actually managed to get naked and some slick between shared fists had them coming quickly and quietly – not easily, mind, but Ari’s father was just downstairs and they knew better than to let their volume betray them.

Neither breathed a word about it and after two weeks of silence, Ben was pretty sure it was a one-off. Or… twice-off? Either way, he thought it was an anomaly and unlikely to occur again. 

Just as his doubt made way for a deep crevasse of sadness he didn’t expect to feel, Ari grabbed Ben’s arm in the hall at school, pushed him into the janitor’s closet, got on his knees and just about sucked Ben’s skeleton out of his fucking body. Ari had swallowed every thick drop of cum and when he looked up at Ben with glistening eyes, he licked his swollen lips and suggested Ben come over that weekend.

To study.

They did not study.

Rather, Ben spent the weekend in Ari’s bedroom, fluctuating mostly between eating and _eating out_ , sleeping and definitively _not_ sleeping and barely finding time to clean himself. 

It is by far, one of the best weekends of Ben’s life. 

Ari fucked Ben in Ben’s father’s car the next week, a few days later, Ben blew Ari in a (mostly) empty movie theater, then Ari fucked Ben on the kitchen island at Ari’s house while his father was out, then Ben fucked Ari on a picnic blanket on a night Ari wanted to see the Harvest moon or something. Ben can barely remember – maybe it was a comet? Something interesting was happening in the sky, Ari wanted to see it, brought and set up his telescope, brought the blanket, the food and when they started making out, he just casually mentioned that ‘the lube,’ was in his backpack.

He let Ben watch when he prepared himself and Ben had nearly come just watching Ari spread himself and it was so _dark_ that night. They could see the Milky Way bisecting the sky, they saw shooting stars and fireflies were flickering in the air like floating lanterns and it had been… _romantic_. 

They had never told each other they were exclusive – Hell, they’d never told each other they had fallen into a _relationship_. 

And there was a strong possibility that the ‘relationship,’ was all in Ben’s head. 

They never spoke about those things, though. 

And it wasn’t Ben’s fault that Ari is so… _incomparable_. 

They still went out for meals, they skipped class together to get lunch and coffee and Ari complains like it was going out of style, but Ben wouldn’t mind at all. In fact, he likes listening to Ari complain – he likes everything Ari says. They still snuck into movies together, they still pre-gamed together under the pretense they were actually going to go to some party that they never actually went to, they still texted, still snapped – they were still friends.

When Ari inevitably got cold on late nights, Ben always spared his jacket or sweater (and Ari would inevitably steal it) – when Ben whined about how hungry he was (how hungry he always is), Ari would take out his wallet and ask where they were headed. Ari never makes Ben pay for anything – Ben never thought it was pity. It was unlike Ari to pity people, anyway. And seeing as Ari felt entitled to everything in the goddamn universe, it was unlikely that Ari paid for shit because he felt indebted to Ben for some reason.

Ari has a sports bike – a motorcycle his father got him in the hopes of making Ari less ‘effeminate.’ All it did was make Ari ten times more awesome and after that night under the stars, Ari dropped nearly a grand on a new seat for the bike. When Ben asked why, Ari didn’t look up from his book to say, “it’s more passenger-friendly.” Ben knew better than to ask more questions – he left it at that, smiled to himself and didn’t let Ari see how much it pleased him.

Ben was the only one riding on Ari’s bike. That seat was for _him_.

The matching helmet that soon followed was _explicitly_ for him, but dressed under the guise of a holiday present and he was immediately scolded for his smile. Ari had glared at him and said, “you look so stupid – shut your mouth. You know primates show their teeth when they’re scared? All I see when you smile like that is a frightened chimpanzee. Stop looking at me like that – hey! No hugging! Don’t you dare! Ben! Don’t you dare –“

Ari makes Ben smile, he makes Ben feel free and strong and capable of anything, he makes the holidays feel important, he makes _life_ feel important – just by existing, Ari forces Ben to care. And that’s more than anyone else in Ben’s life has ever been capable of, no matter how hard they tried.

And now, Ben may have ruined everything.

“Say it again.”

“No,” Ben begs, hiding his face in the crook of Ari’s neck, very near tears, hoping beyond hope he hasn’t destroyed this irreparably – it’s the only worthwhile thing he’s ever had, he can’t lose it – “No, no – I’m sorry. I didn’t – just pretend I didn’t say anything.”

“Ben,” Ari’s voice urges, “Ben, God – just look at me.”

With shaking arms, Ben lifted himself enough to stare into Ari’s icy blue eyes. He knew his were tearing up and he hated himself for ruining this – the way he ruins everything. He should have known this wouldn’t last, but he didn’t think it’d end like a screeching halt at a dead end because of some wrong turn he made.

“Don’t cry – holy shit, Ben – don’t cry –“

“I’m sorry,” Ben says again, scrunching his eyes shut, trying to fight back the oncoming tears, trying to listen to Ari, to hold onto whatever is left, “I’m sorry. I didn’t – I don’t…”

He can’t say he doesn’t love Ari.

He does.

“Say it again.”

Ari’s voice is much more hushed now and Ben’s never heard it like that. He won’t be able to stand himself if he’s the first person Ari ever pities. He bites his lip and shakes his head.

“Ben. I need to make sure I heard you right. Say it again,” Ari orders more sternly. 

Hands come to cup Ben’s face and Ben opens his eyes, tears falling beyond his command. He’s glad he opened his eyes, though. 

Ari’s eyes are glassy too – just as much as his and Ben can’t for the life of him tell where they stand now. 

“I said… I said that I love you…”

Ari’s eyes narrow dangerously and he replies, “no. That’s not what you said. What did you _say_ , Ben?”

Ben’s head drops and his hair falls around Ari’s face like black curtains. He shuts his eyes again and repeats, “… God, I love you.”

“You do?”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ben hisses, the wetness on his cheeks making him blush in embarrassment, “ _of course_ I do, Ari. Of course I… I mean, I’ve been in love with you for so fucking long, I don’t… I don’t know how long. I love you and I’m – I’m fuckin’ petrified by how much.”

Ari’s hips roll and his legs tighten, pulling Ben deeper into him and Ben gasps, his eyes shooting open and when he looks, he sees Ari’s eyes shut, two thin tears streaming from the corners of his eyes and he’s got this incredible smile on that Ben’s never seen before.

“I love that you fear me.”

Ben’s heart skips a beat and Ari opens his eyes, grips Ben’s hair and continues, “I love that you love me so much it scares you. You adore me, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Ben rasps.

Ari rolls his hips again and Ben groans, his arms shaking more violently.

“You fucking worship me, don’t you?”

“God, yes, yes,” Ben answers, rewarded again and left breathless in the pleasure.

Ari pulls on Ben’s scalp, making his neck arch back – Ari stretches his neck enough to reach Ben’s and he licks up Ben’s throbbing jugular. He bites down before soothing the skin over with his tongue again and then he murmurs, “I love you too, Ben.”

Ben orgasms so violently that his vision whites out and his hips snap into motion beyond his control. He thrusts hard and deep into Ari and demands to hear the confession again and again and Ari _smiles_ , Ari _laughs_ and says it again and again, “I love you too,” “I love you too,” “I love you too,” “I love you too…”

Somewhere, a butterfly flaps its wings and on a day young Professor Hux swears he really, really won’t let his most aggravating student, Ben Solo, flirt with him anymore, chaos ensues instead and Ben winds up bent over Hux’s desk, papers strewn everywhere and Hux comes deep inside him, knowing it won’t be the last time. 

An apple falls to the ground and Hux told Phasma he really didn’t want to go to this concert, but she never listens to him and got them these backstage passes and when he meets Kylo Ren – actually _meets_ his superstar crush for the first time – he all but faints; Kylo Ren catches him with a promising twinkle in his eye. 

A black hole opens and Benjamin Solo is lethally wounded in an accident, his life dangling like a loose thread and neurosurgeon, Dr. Hux, saves his life, his mind and they fall in love quite shyly, timidly as the sunlight comes through the open window to Benjamin’s recovery room.

That apple falls, those wings flap and they come crashing into each other like comets out in the ether. 

Infinitely, there are realities where they never meet at all – where they remain strangers, across worlds or galaxies or they don’t live at the same time. Realities where they fall in love with other people, live long, content lives never knowing one another or live shorter, more unfortunate lives devoid of love. Realities where they like each other, but never love, where they never like _or_ love each other but _hate_ one another their entire lives. 

And Kylo knows this. He knows it because he can feel the weight of all those lives within the Force. He can feel the possibilities bearing down on him, every time he intimidates the General, he nearly kisses him instead just because he knows what could come of it. He wonders what passion in him General Hux could incite, he wonders what that love could do to his powers, if it could save his soul. He wonders too what he could do for Hux.

After Starkiller, Ren takes time to heal. He’s scarred, physically, but he’s in better shape than the General and his blood pressure gets out of control when he learns as much. Hux got hurt, after all, saving _him_. 

When he goes to see Hux in the med bay and sees Hux, unconscious, wraps around his forearms and head, Kylo hates himself. That’s all he needs to know, really, to figure out what he feels for Hux. Knowing he _can_ love a person is different from actually loving that person, but Kylo couldn’t control what reality he’s in. 

He knows he’s in one where he loves Hux, he knows it as soon as he sees Hux in that med bay cot and he can’t, can’t, _can’t_ lose Hux.

He sits by Hux’s bedside, helps to heal the smaller cuts, bruises and burns and he beseeches the Force to release Hux from the No Man’s Land between life and death he’s stuck in. Kylo fancies himself an anchor keeping Hux on the physical plane with him, refusing to let Hux’s spirit wander far. He doesn’t leave Hux’s side – not to sleep or eat – he trusts nurses to bring him food and he falls asleep uncomfortably in a chair beside Hux’s cot and when he washes, it takes less than five minutes and he never cares if he reopens his wounds. 

The day Hux wakes, he’s drowsy, his eye are glazed and tired and he asks, “Ren? You’re alive. Good. Very good.”

Kylo would have laughed if he were someone else, somewhere else, sometime else, but he is who he is, where he is, when he is. So, he doesn’t. He helps nurse Hux water, he brings Hux his holopads even though he’s not meant to be working while he’s still recovering and still, he never leaves to sleep or eat. He just sits by Hux’s bedside, healing him where he can, praying to the Force, speaking when spoken to and loving him. 

Loving Hux as he is infinitely meant to.

Hux is glaring at his holopad one day, muttering numbers to himself when Kylo interrupts Hux’s thoughts. He doesn’t know why he says it – doesn’t know what compels him, but maybe this is just the jumpstart his reality is meant to have with Hux. He considers himself lucky, in a way, to be in one of the infinite universes where he meets Hux, grows to know Hux and loves Hux. 

Kylo is cowardly, though and halfway through his thought, he changes course and instead of confessing, “I love you,” he says instead, “you know, I… I loved you once.”

Hux looks up to him in surprise and Kylo knows better than to dive into Hux’s mind as he so badly wants to – Hux always feels him and he always winds up regretting it. Hux puts the holopad down on his lap, considering Kylo very seriously and asks, “you loved me once?”

“Yes,” Kylo responds, hoping desperately that the truth of it’s still strong, thrumming life isn’t written across his face.

Quirking a curious brow, Hux assesses him a little longer before _snickering_ and then he says conversationally, “that’s _highly_ unfortunate. Can’t imagine loving something like me. Must’ve been fairly unfulfilling, I take it. Painfully lonely at worst.”

There are infinite realities as well, where the love is possible and where it is even born, but only one of them ever feels it.

Infinity is long and chaotic, after all.

Kylo bites the inside of his cheek and nods, “at worst. Yes.”

“Was that what stopped it for you?” Hux asks curiously, like he might be recovering anthropological data, “My… being me and all?”

_That’s what **started** it._

“Obviously,” Kylo struggles to joke.

Hux smirks at him and says, “don’t start being funny, Ren. I’d hate to start liking you now.”

Kylo doesn’t cry and Kylo doesn’t beg, Kylo doesn’t confess the truth, Kylo doesn’t consult the Force, Kylo doesn’t beg the God he doesn’t believe in to transfer him to some place where this starved, starburst emotion at his very core is reciprocated. 

Kylo accepts his reality with heat behind his eyes and a tightness in his throat. He accepts it because he’s not someone else, somewhere else, sometime else. Kylo is who he is, where he is, when he is and so is Hux. Hux is who he is, where he is, when he is and he doesn’t love Kylo back. Thinks it’s laughable, even. _Pities_ Kylo.

It burns, it hurts, Kylo’s love bleeds silently and seeps into every bruised muscle and mending bone in his body and somewhere, a butterfly flaps its wings.


End file.
